The day I thought would never come is here...the impossible, (or so it seemed back then), has become reality...Today marks 20 years clean and sober from drugs and alcohol and it comes with so much emotion that I am having a hard time grasping the awesome scope of what that means. It's very difficult to explain the roller coaster of drug and alcohol addiction to someone who hasn't gone through it personally, but to not share it with you is selfish because each of you that know me HAS witnessed the roller coaster I was on.
Some of you have only known me as a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, but have supported me and listened as I shared some terrible truths and stories that I needed to keep alive to keep the disease in front of me...that insidious disease that patiently waits and waits until the pride and overconfidence comes and the guard goes down...("I've got this thing under control, one drink won't hurt") and the roller coaster starts up the hill to the inevitable plummet down the other side. The experts say that when an alcoholic resumes drinking, even slowly, he will return to past behavior in a short period of time.
Some of you have witnessed both sides of my addiction and were unsure of the depths I was sinking because you only saw some of my escapades. I was a skilled liar (NOT) and hid my problems well (NOT) and denied the existence of a drinking problem even after waking up in jail with an almost totaled car, a second DWI (Driving While Intoxicated to those who aren't familiar), court ordered Community Service and court ordered out-patient rehabilitation. Not to mention (although I will) the plethora of vehicles I wrecked in the span of 15 years while drinking. As a "functional" alcoholic I was able to fool (sometimes) my employers and co-workers into thinking I was a recreational drinker.
And there are a few who suffered on the sidelines and watched my fall into the pit and tried to help and counsel me to no avail and stayed there even though I disappointed and hurt them again and again and again. To these precious few I owe the most. They continued to love me even though I stopped loving myself. They kept trying even though I had given up. And they are still in my corner. To all of the aforementioned people above, this milestone is as much your accomplishment as it is mine. I could not have even made it one day without the love and support of all of you. I can never repay all that I owe, except to continue on this journey. My continued sobriety will be my payment to you (and it is woefully inadequate) for all the support and love you have given me in these 20 years.
There are two who know the entire story...the crippling despair, the self-hatred, the hopelessness and the desire to just give up completely, and they are God and me. I am not a church-goer but I am a believer. There is no way I could have done any of this but for the Grace of God. I know Higher Power is the correct terminology (can't force religion on people, you know!) but it is God to me. I have been so blessed by Him that it would take years to explain and the strength He has given me is so awesome. Even through the recent troubles with finances and work that are now settling down, He gave me the strength and resilience to cope with these issues and never allowed the thought of drinking over my troubles to enter the picture. I don't want to sound too preachy, but to deny the existence of God in all that I have been through, in all that He has seen me through, and all the blessings I have received, seems ridiculous to me.
So celebrate OUR victory...Celebrate OUR accomplishment...My love for each and every one of you knows no bounds. My thanks to every one of you. My debt to all of you is eternal and can never be repaid. WE did it! 20 years and counting!!!!!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment