April 23, 1995 began like many Sundays that year. My brother and I were going to race in Newark at the Cherry Blossom 10k and then go to my sister's house for a after race BBQ. We finished the race and I began drinking...(six pack and Marlboro post race meal). I didn't slow down when I got to my sister's either and around 6 pm I said I had dinner plans (lie) and had to go. By then I was buzzing... (not eating and drinking after exercise will do that to you). We got in an argument and I left. That was the last thing I remembered about that day...
I woke up the next morning and my feet were freezing. I couldn't find the blanket and my pillow felt wrong but my head was pounding so badly I didn't want to open my eyes. When I did open my eyes I noticed the camera in the ceiling...(I don't have a camera in my bedroom ceiling). Then I noticed the bars where the door should be...(again, no bars in my bedroom). I realized I was in jail. The officer brought me some crappy coffee and commented on what a busy night I had. My wrists were very sore (handcuffs) and I was told I needed 980 dollars for bail or I would be staying awhile. The call to Mom to come pick me up and bring my checkbook to Westfield Police Station hurt almost as much as the hangover I was suffering through. Where was my car?...at a local body shop. When I sobered up enough I contacted a local lawyer and called work...(it was Monday now) and listened to my boss berate me for not showing up. I explained that I needed to use my phone call for bail and would explain all the following day. I met with the lawyer and he advised me to ask for help from my employer and to start an out patient counseling program because the court would mandate one and doing it now made me look more responsible. By asking work for help...(I was still denying that I had a drinking problem) they were compelled not to fire me under the American Disability Act and I would need my job to pay for all the fines, insurance surcharges, and miscellaneous fees that would be coming.
For the next few days, when I wasn't working, I was drinking...(what better reason than to drown all my new problems rather than deal with them head on). I was demoted back into the warehouse at work...(and with it a HUGE cut in pay). I had to take the train to and from work and ride my bicycle also. I found a counseling center that was a block from one of the stops on the train...(location, location, location). I had a pending trial facing 2 years loss of license plus a host of fines and fees...my car was in a body shop waiting for me to pick it up. How to handle all this? Drink up! I do not remember what triggered it, but when I woke up the morning of the 28th of April, I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize the face staring back at me. That bastard in the mirror was responsible for all my hardships and problems and I wasn't going to let him drag me down anymore. I didn't know how I was going to cope with everything crashing around me but I FINALLY realized that drinking wasn't the answer (proverbial slap to the forehead and light bulb above the head, please). I also had no idea how to stop drinking except that I so polluted I couldn't drink that day or that weekend...During my drinking heyday I used to quit for Lent, so I decided to stop until all the legal crap was resolved. So I began my quest to find a way out of the abyss...
Thursday, April 30, 2015
Tuesday, April 28, 2015
20 years and counting... (Part Two)
I feel it necessary (and it is always necessary) to share with you some of the details that led me to this momentous journey culminating in 20 years of freedom from addiction to drugs and alcohol. I began drinking early in my teen years (13-14) in the usual manner...stealing liquor from my parent's stash, grabbing beers at parties and asking older friends to buy beer for me from the liquor stores. I was amazed that the shy, introverted kid that I was (I know it's hard to believe that I was once shy or introverted), came out of his shell with a confidence and spirit I never thought was inside me. I obviously believed that it was the liquor that was behind this surge of personality and confidence and not that my real inner self was extroverted and confident and personable. I hated the fact that I was shy, bookish, and totally inept around women...(I'm still inept around women, but two out of three ain't bad?). Plus the fact that I loved the taste of beer had a lot to do with it too.
The problems came in my twenties...I had added drugs to the equation by then (totally my own choice...peer pressure may get you to try something, but to continue to abuse drugs is a personal choice and I take full responsibility for that. I was working (two jobs at times) while in college full time and the pressure to succeed was real (in my head)... I had a four year scholarship to St. Peter's College in Jersey City, NJ. (now St. Peter's University...la di da) by winning an essay contest through the Knights of Columbus. I drank away several semesters and ending up taking 6 years to graduate and having to pay for two years. But I did manage to graduate. I started working full time and got a real good job working for Goodyear and made good money, but I had no real bills to pay. I still lived at home (rent free) and had no real bills. My cars I bought with cash,(always used) insurance was cheap because when I got in an accident and wrecked the car I just bought another used car. It was in my mid-twenties when the black-outs started. I remember going out at night but then the switch went off and I couldn't remember what happened next or how I got home. I would find my car parked around the corner or in a neighbor's driveway or banged up and no clue how it happened. My family became increasingly worried and began suggesting that maybe I needed some help, but that wasn't going to happen. An alcoholic will only seek help when they decide they have a problem. I didn't believe I had one.
By the time 1993 rolled along, I was going hell bent on a path of self-destruction. I hated my situation, I hated who I had become, and hated the fact that while I was successful in the working world, everything else was going to shit (sorry). Just another excuse to drink over. I had an endless supply of them to keep me drunk... I was arrested in November of 1993 and charged with DWI and lost my license for 6 months. My blood alcohol level was .24 (the legal limit is .08). I didn't lose my job and I behaved for awhile, but after getting my license back, everything was okay again. I managed to stop the car wrecks when I purchased the only new car I have ever owned...a 1993 Saturn Coupe with manual transmission. But there were many close calls, just no accidents. The consequences were about to come fast and hard. By 1993 I was 245 pounds, fat and out of shape (round is a shape, but not desirable). I went to my Dad's cardiologist and found I had high blood pressure (duh! FAT!) and an enlarged liver (pre-cirrhotic is what he called it). He put me on water pills and I hated it. I started running with my brother and that helped a lot. Because I ran so much my blood pressure normalized and I found I could still drink...(my post run snack was a six pack of beer and a pack of Marlboro). I even managed to complete the 1994 NYC Marathon with a lot of help from my brother and sister...I still don't remember miles 23 through 25.
But the worst was yet to come...
The problems came in my twenties...I had added drugs to the equation by then (totally my own choice...peer pressure may get you to try something, but to continue to abuse drugs is a personal choice and I take full responsibility for that. I was working (two jobs at times) while in college full time and the pressure to succeed was real (in my head)... I had a four year scholarship to St. Peter's College in Jersey City, NJ. (now St. Peter's University...la di da) by winning an essay contest through the Knights of Columbus. I drank away several semesters and ending up taking 6 years to graduate and having to pay for two years. But I did manage to graduate. I started working full time and got a real good job working for Goodyear and made good money, but I had no real bills to pay. I still lived at home (rent free) and had no real bills. My cars I bought with cash,(always used) insurance was cheap because when I got in an accident and wrecked the car I just bought another used car. It was in my mid-twenties when the black-outs started. I remember going out at night but then the switch went off and I couldn't remember what happened next or how I got home. I would find my car parked around the corner or in a neighbor's driveway or banged up and no clue how it happened. My family became increasingly worried and began suggesting that maybe I needed some help, but that wasn't going to happen. An alcoholic will only seek help when they decide they have a problem. I didn't believe I had one.
By the time 1993 rolled along, I was going hell bent on a path of self-destruction. I hated my situation, I hated who I had become, and hated the fact that while I was successful in the working world, everything else was going to shit (sorry). Just another excuse to drink over. I had an endless supply of them to keep me drunk... I was arrested in November of 1993 and charged with DWI and lost my license for 6 months. My blood alcohol level was .24 (the legal limit is .08). I didn't lose my job and I behaved for awhile, but after getting my license back, everything was okay again. I managed to stop the car wrecks when I purchased the only new car I have ever owned...a 1993 Saturn Coupe with manual transmission. But there were many close calls, just no accidents. The consequences were about to come fast and hard. By 1993 I was 245 pounds, fat and out of shape (round is a shape, but not desirable). I went to my Dad's cardiologist and found I had high blood pressure (duh! FAT!) and an enlarged liver (pre-cirrhotic is what he called it). He put me on water pills and I hated it. I started running with my brother and that helped a lot. Because I ran so much my blood pressure normalized and I found I could still drink...(my post run snack was a six pack of beer and a pack of Marlboro). I even managed to complete the 1994 NYC Marathon with a lot of help from my brother and sister...I still don't remember miles 23 through 25.
But the worst was yet to come...
20 years and counting...(Part one)......
The day I thought would never come is here...the impossible, (or so it seemed back then), has become reality...Today marks 20 years clean and sober from drugs and alcohol and it comes with so much emotion that I am having a hard time grasping the awesome scope of what that means. It's very difficult to explain the roller coaster of drug and alcohol addiction to someone who hasn't gone through it personally, but to not share it with you is selfish because each of you that know me HAS witnessed the roller coaster I was on.
Some of you have only known me as a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, but have supported me and listened as I shared some terrible truths and stories that I needed to keep alive to keep the disease in front of me...that insidious disease that patiently waits and waits until the pride and overconfidence comes and the guard goes down...("I've got this thing under control, one drink won't hurt") and the roller coaster starts up the hill to the inevitable plummet down the other side. The experts say that when an alcoholic resumes drinking, even slowly, he will return to past behavior in a short period of time.
Some of you have witnessed both sides of my addiction and were unsure of the depths I was sinking because you only saw some of my escapades. I was a skilled liar (NOT) and hid my problems well (NOT) and denied the existence of a drinking problem even after waking up in jail with an almost totaled car, a second DWI (Driving While Intoxicated to those who aren't familiar), court ordered Community Service and court ordered out-patient rehabilitation. Not to mention (although I will) the plethora of vehicles I wrecked in the span of 15 years while drinking. As a "functional" alcoholic I was able to fool (sometimes) my employers and co-workers into thinking I was a recreational drinker.
And there are a few who suffered on the sidelines and watched my fall into the pit and tried to help and counsel me to no avail and stayed there even though I disappointed and hurt them again and again and again. To these precious few I owe the most. They continued to love me even though I stopped loving myself. They kept trying even though I had given up. And they are still in my corner. To all of the aforementioned people above, this milestone is as much your accomplishment as it is mine. I could not have even made it one day without the love and support of all of you. I can never repay all that I owe, except to continue on this journey. My continued sobriety will be my payment to you (and it is woefully inadequate) for all the support and love you have given me in these 20 years.
There are two who know the entire story...the crippling despair, the self-hatred, the hopelessness and the desire to just give up completely, and they are God and me. I am not a church-goer but I am a believer. There is no way I could have done any of this but for the Grace of God. I know Higher Power is the correct terminology (can't force religion on people, you know!) but it is God to me. I have been so blessed by Him that it would take years to explain and the strength He has given me is so awesome. Even through the recent troubles with finances and work that are now settling down, He gave me the strength and resilience to cope with these issues and never allowed the thought of drinking over my troubles to enter the picture. I don't want to sound too preachy, but to deny the existence of God in all that I have been through, in all that He has seen me through, and all the blessings I have received, seems ridiculous to me.
So celebrate OUR victory...Celebrate OUR accomplishment...My love for each and every one of you knows no bounds. My thanks to every one of you. My debt to all of you is eternal and can never be repaid. WE did it! 20 years and counting!!!!!
Some of you have only known me as a recovering alcoholic and drug addict, but have supported me and listened as I shared some terrible truths and stories that I needed to keep alive to keep the disease in front of me...that insidious disease that patiently waits and waits until the pride and overconfidence comes and the guard goes down...("I've got this thing under control, one drink won't hurt") and the roller coaster starts up the hill to the inevitable plummet down the other side. The experts say that when an alcoholic resumes drinking, even slowly, he will return to past behavior in a short period of time.
Some of you have witnessed both sides of my addiction and were unsure of the depths I was sinking because you only saw some of my escapades. I was a skilled liar (NOT) and hid my problems well (NOT) and denied the existence of a drinking problem even after waking up in jail with an almost totaled car, a second DWI (Driving While Intoxicated to those who aren't familiar), court ordered Community Service and court ordered out-patient rehabilitation. Not to mention (although I will) the plethora of vehicles I wrecked in the span of 15 years while drinking. As a "functional" alcoholic I was able to fool (sometimes) my employers and co-workers into thinking I was a recreational drinker.
And there are a few who suffered on the sidelines and watched my fall into the pit and tried to help and counsel me to no avail and stayed there even though I disappointed and hurt them again and again and again. To these precious few I owe the most. They continued to love me even though I stopped loving myself. They kept trying even though I had given up. And they are still in my corner. To all of the aforementioned people above, this milestone is as much your accomplishment as it is mine. I could not have even made it one day without the love and support of all of you. I can never repay all that I owe, except to continue on this journey. My continued sobriety will be my payment to you (and it is woefully inadequate) for all the support and love you have given me in these 20 years.
There are two who know the entire story...the crippling despair, the self-hatred, the hopelessness and the desire to just give up completely, and they are God and me. I am not a church-goer but I am a believer. There is no way I could have done any of this but for the Grace of God. I know Higher Power is the correct terminology (can't force religion on people, you know!) but it is God to me. I have been so blessed by Him that it would take years to explain and the strength He has given me is so awesome. Even through the recent troubles with finances and work that are now settling down, He gave me the strength and resilience to cope with these issues and never allowed the thought of drinking over my troubles to enter the picture. I don't want to sound too preachy, but to deny the existence of God in all that I have been through, in all that He has seen me through, and all the blessings I have received, seems ridiculous to me.
So celebrate OUR victory...Celebrate OUR accomplishment...My love for each and every one of you knows no bounds. My thanks to every one of you. My debt to all of you is eternal and can never be repaid. WE did it! 20 years and counting!!!!!
Thursday, April 2, 2015
The curse of the mild winter...
I know that most of you will have no sympathy when I tell that this past winter was one of the mildest and wettest in Arizona recorded history, considering the pounding Old Man Winter put on most of the country, but the price is being paid now. Because of the mild temperatures and rainfall (it got to the point where I could remember the last time it rained rather than having to look it up) the cactus and trees are blooming early and we have hit 90 degree days (several in fact) and its only April. And with the blooming...(and the flowers are beautiful on the cacti) comes my old nemesis...pollen. I have been eating an allergy pill every morning for the last two weeks and it seems that there is no end in sight. When I first moved here my seasonal allergies almost completely disappeared except for the occasional dust attacks, but this year that hideous green crap falling from the trees...(yes, we have trees), that coated the cars and streets of New Jersey and New York State is now coating the inside of my nose and throat. If only mucus (gross!) had monetary value...I would be a rich man. So the windows remain closed and the AC is turned on and Old Man Summer begins to rear his ugly head (remember this is Bizarro World where summer is the winter of the Southwest...felt the need for a Seinfeld reference there). If its in the 90's in April, who knows what July and August will bring...(I believe bucket loads of sweat and more heat than a furnace is in my future. God, I love it here!). As I write this at 9:30 am it is a balmy 70 degrees and the highs for the next few days are predicted to be in the mid 80's (must be a cold front moving in). I still firmly believe that a weatherman in Arizona is the easiest job on the planet.
I want to wish everyone a Happy Passover and Happy Easter...(whichever applies). I hope you all are well and enjoy the egg hunts and baskets and family gatherings. As you know I will be celebrating the season on the golf course with a golf marathon on Sunday and Monday, followed by a work-a-thon from Monday until the 18th of April...(next day off). Looking forward to Country Thunder and some really good music...(April 11-12). Anytime I can work with a cowboy hat on is a good time.
April is always a special month for me. It was in April of 1995 that I came back from the dead (or soon to be) and got clean and sober. Yes, if you do the math, this year marks 20 years without drugs and alcohol. I can't believe it to say it and it looks even more unbelievable when I write it. It brings with it a lot of emotions...tears, joy, happiness, shock, disbelief, gratitude and a multitude of others. Sometimes the enormity of it all is overwhelming...I can't describe the hopelessness I felt on Day One back then...(and many, many days after that) I never in my wildest dreams believed that I would be alive this long, let alone be alive and sober. I never believed that I would receive so much support and love from everyone that has given it...I felt so alone then. I never thought that God would forgive me for the life I was leading...but by His grace alone I was able to survive. There are so many people to thank...people that didn't even know they were helping at the time. People who by their example, good or bad, gave me strength or encouraged me to prove them wrong. This will be a personal victory when the 28th rolls along, but there are countless individuals who share in this victory and as the day gets closer I will share some stories about them...right now I have to go because the tears are here and I can't see the computer screen to continue writing. God bless all of you!
I want to wish everyone a Happy Passover and Happy Easter...(whichever applies). I hope you all are well and enjoy the egg hunts and baskets and family gatherings. As you know I will be celebrating the season on the golf course with a golf marathon on Sunday and Monday, followed by a work-a-thon from Monday until the 18th of April...(next day off). Looking forward to Country Thunder and some really good music...(April 11-12). Anytime I can work with a cowboy hat on is a good time.
April is always a special month for me. It was in April of 1995 that I came back from the dead (or soon to be) and got clean and sober. Yes, if you do the math, this year marks 20 years without drugs and alcohol. I can't believe it to say it and it looks even more unbelievable when I write it. It brings with it a lot of emotions...tears, joy, happiness, shock, disbelief, gratitude and a multitude of others. Sometimes the enormity of it all is overwhelming...I can't describe the hopelessness I felt on Day One back then...(and many, many days after that) I never in my wildest dreams believed that I would be alive this long, let alone be alive and sober. I never believed that I would receive so much support and love from everyone that has given it...I felt so alone then. I never thought that God would forgive me for the life I was leading...but by His grace alone I was able to survive. There are so many people to thank...people that didn't even know they were helping at the time. People who by their example, good or bad, gave me strength or encouraged me to prove them wrong. This will be a personal victory when the 28th rolls along, but there are countless individuals who share in this victory and as the day gets closer I will share some stories about them...right now I have to go because the tears are here and I can't see the computer screen to continue writing. God bless all of you!
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