20 years and counting... (Part Five)

     Sorry I haven't been in touch, but it's been a whirlwind of activity since I last spoke to you.  Time flies even faster when you are busy.  It's almost been a month since my last installment but everything is good...good and hectic.  Since we last spoke I have been to Virginia to visit sister and family and worked extra hours at the Convention Center as well as my full time gig.  And now back to my saga...

      I couldn't wait until the next meeting for my group... Finally admitting that I was powerless to combat my addiction (something you all knew all along) didn't bring embarrassment or shame, it brought a sense of peace mixed with anxiety, anger, fear and wonder.  Anxiety that I had only one more session in group and I had so much to say... Anger (at myself) that it had taken me so long to wise up and fight for my life... Fear that I wouldn't be able to continue not to drink and drug.. Wonder that a sense of peace would ever come to me.  That one admission cleared the cobwebs of years of abuse and self loathing and failure and in that moment of clarity I realized that I was in for the fight of my life...FOR my life.  I awoke the next day not sure where I was going or how I do anything, but one thing was for certain...I was going to use my addictive behavior in reverse.  Every day I remained clean and sober was a shot of adrenaline for the next day.  I became addicted to sobriety.  After my last session at the rehab facility, I re-signed...(I stayed in the group for 2 years).  I threw myself into work to keep busy... (being in the warehouse unloading trucks and pulling orders was exactly what I needed).  I began to think about the future again, beyond planning what bar I would hang in that night.  Anxiety became excitement (everyday learning new ways to keep my sobriety)...Anger became determination (I couldn't change the past. I had to own it and do my best not to repeat it)...Fear became motivation (I was going to be a success story so that I could help those who struggled as I did)...Wonder was the best of all.  I wondered whether anyone would like the reinvented person I was becoming every day (I didn't know if I would).  I wondered if sharing my experiences and being open and honest would bring out the real personality that I thought only came out when I was drinking... I wondered if God would continue to give me the strength He gave me to quit in the first place (stupid man, of course He would)...

     So, as the title says, we are 20 years and counting...The unbelievable support I have received from many sources over the years still overwhelms me.  The tools that I learned in the program are now ingrained in my everyday life. I am living a dream...(the fact that I am even alive at this point is amazing).  I have a job(s) that I love.  I am recovering (what else?) from some financial difficulties that are not so difficult anymore.  Golf is still a big part of my life and I am blessed to be able to continue to play the game I love.  I still have the love and support of family members and friends and I thank you again.  So here's to 20 years...and here's to 20 more.  My name is Jim...and I am an alcoholic.  20 years clean and sober never tasted so sweet.  God Bless you all.